We don't write papers, we build scrapbooks
We don't write papers, we build scrapbooks
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I tried to be normal once – worst two minutes of my life. “I’d like to live like a poor man – only with lots of money” – Pablo Picasso I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later. “I like women. I don’t understand them, but I like them.” – Sean Connery You only live once. But if you do it right, once is enough. “It took me fifteen years to discover I had no talent for writing, but I couldn’t give it up because by then I was too famous,” – Robert Benchley There is no sunrise so beau...
When you study history, you realize that people have been this stupid for thousands of years. The pyramids are in Egypt because they were too heavy to steal and put in a British museum. Talk about a Cola War … In the early 1990s, Pepsi owned 17 submarines, a cruiser, a frigate and a destroyer, all because of a deal with the Soviet Union to trade soda for military equipment. Happy Columbus Day! Celebrate by going to the wrong house, then claiming it as your own. True fact – George Washington had to walk home from his own inauguration party becau...
I stopped understanding math when the alphabet got involved. MATH – the only place where people buy 64 watermelons, and nobody wonders why. How to do math. 1. Write down the problem, 2. Cry Advanced math should not intimidate you. It’s as easy as pi Math is hard … so is life, get over it. Old Math teachers never die … they just lose some of their functions. 4 out of 3 people struggle with math. The bad news is your son is cheating. The good news is that he’s cheating at a sixth grade level. As a math teacher, I can’t ask my students to...
Just remember, cows wear belles because their horns don’t work. Calories are the little buggers that get together at night in your closet and sew your clothes tighter. My closet is infested with them. Never lose yourself while trying to hold on to someone who doesn’t care about you. Unless your name is Google, stop acting like you know everything. Have you ever noticed that the people who tell you to calm down are the ones who pissed you off in the first place? If I manage to survive the rest of the week, I would like my straight jacket in hot...
House Minority Leader Tony McCombie is again offering a free 'Constituent Education Resource Card' available to residents wishing to visit select museums and zoos in the Chicagoland area. Families in the 89th District can utilize the pass to visit some of Chicago's world-class museums through the pass, which is available on a first come first serve basis. The following museums are available in 2024: Adler Planetarium The Art Institute of Chicago Brookfield Zoo Chicago Botanic Garden Chicago...
Marriage isn’t a word, it’s a sentence … a life sentence. My husband thinks I’m crazy, but I’m not the one who married me. Marriage is always having someone to pity laugh at your jokes. Marriage lets you annoy one special person for the rest of your life. I asked my mom what marriage is, and she told me it’s a fancy word for adopting an overgrown male child who cannot be handled by his parents anymore. I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was “Always”. It doesn’t matter how many times a married man changes his job; he...
Whenever there’s a big snow storm, I look on the bright side. We can’t see the dog poop anymore. OK Winter, you made your point … I’m a wussy. It snowed! Quick everyone, drive into the nearest ditch. I hope the snowstorm doesn’t impact my schedule of aimlessly wasting my time online. I hope this last snowstorm of winter isn’t as bad as next week’s last snowstorm of winter. With the weather report of another snow storm coming, I’m just going to slap an “out of office” sticker on my forehead and call it a day. I actually don’t mind the snow...
My dog chewed up my list of New Year’s resolutions … I love that dog! I decided to break all of my resolutions early so I can start enjoying the rest of the year. I made a resolution to drink more water this year, but so far I’ve only gotten as far as “drink more”. Youth is when you’re allowed to stay up on New Year’s Eve. Middle age is when you’re forced to. My New Year’s resolution is to stop lying to myself about lifestyle changes. My New Year’s resolution is to break my New Year’s resolutions. That way I succeed at something. My New Yea...
Christmas is a baby shower that went totally overboard. It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas … If you’d take your eyes off of your phone for a minute, you’d know that. A Christmas party? At Work? With coworkers? Can’t I just poke myself in the eye instead? Look, there’s a new phone app that counts down the days until Christmas. We had the same thing when I was a kid. We called it a calendar. If Santa’s smart, he’d put me n the nice list. After all, I know where he lives. I almost dropped before I shopped … I had to park about two miles a...
Thanksgiving is now over, so that means that it is once again time for the Christmas Spirit to fill us with a sense of the Holidays. But exactly what is this Christmas Spirit anyway? Why is it that some people long for the chance to walk the streets in sub-zero weather singing carols, while others dread the prospect of hauling decorations down from the attic and making the obligatory trip to see the relatives? In order to see where you rank, and how you look at the Holiday season, we offer you...
With the Holiday season now upon us, the theaters and television stations have begun to release this year's set of Christmas Movies. But which ones are the best? Which ones do you have to see each year? Everybody has their own personal favorites, so I took it upon myself to compose this list of my best, and worst, holiday movies. The Classic Favorites: (They may be old, but they're excellent!) It's A Wonderful Life - I can still remember the first time I saw it as a kid - thinking my parents...
The only sure things in life are death and taxes … too bad they aren’t in that order. Dear IRS, I am writing to you to cancel my subscription. Please remove my name from your mailing list. Thanks for helping me with my taxes, and not laughing at my income. My daughter asked me to explain taxes to her. So, she could understand, I went in the kitchen and ate 46% of her cookies. Every year I make the same mistake on my tax return. I try doing it myself. Boy, you “accidentally” add a couple of zeros on the refund line, and they act like it’s a...
I think more about running away now than when I was a kid. But by the time I put my teeth in, my glasses on and find my keys, I forget why I’m going. If my body were a car, I’d trade it in on a newer model. Every time I cough, sneeze or sputter, my radiator leaks and my exhaust backfires. I’m almost to the age where I need to see an archaeologist instead of a doctor. I remember when shake, rattle and roll meant something different from just getting out of bed. Growing old happens … growing up is optional. I don’t know how to act my age … I’v...
Next June, Le-Win choir and band students are hitting the road to perform at Disney; however, with travel expenses at a record high, the trip costs significantly more than previous years. The Music Boosters are working their hardest to raise extra dollars to make this affordable for all students. So, as Jack Jordan, freshman drummer, said, "When life gives you music, you make a variety showcase!" The Music Boosters Holiday Variety Showcase will take place Dec. 15, 7 p.m. The students will deck the halls of the Panther Den with festive...
Black Friday: Because only in America will people trample others for sales exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have. Personally, I actually enjoy Black Friday. It’s the one day I know exactly where all the nut jobs are and how to avoid them. Black Friday should actually be called the Hunger Games. People kill each other and the winner gets a $20 crock pot. Your Black Friday shopping trip leads to my Blue Saturday of bill paying. Homemade gifts are the perfect way to say, I’ve got a lot more time than money. It doe...
HCC Chorale & Youth Choir Holiday Concert Enjoy the festive sounds of familiar and new holiday songs with a Holiday Concert by the Highland Community College Chorale and Youth Choir at 3 p.m. on Sunday, Dec. 3 in the Fine Arts Center Theatre located in the Ferguson Fine Arts Center, 2998 W. Pearl City Rd., Freeport. The Highland Chorale, under the direction of Heidi Spotts-Manthey, and Youth Choir, under the direction of Dagny Brandt, will feature a selection of holiday favorites sure to...
The Lena-Winslow Theater Department had a massive scheduling headache considering how strong their football and volleyball teams were this fall. With cast members on both of them, trying to find times when they could actually perform their Fall Play – 'Rogues' Gallery' – was not easy, so ... on Sunday afternoon, I took it all in. Now, I had some issues with the show, but the overwhelming impression I got was that the Panthers really have a lot of solid performers. Madi Schierloh and Natalie McNu...
Just remember, the only machine in a casino that always gives you money, is the ATM. I’m leaving you and going to Las Vegas. Men there will pay me $500 for what I do for you for free! (Fine, go, I want to see how you live off of $1000 a year.) The difference between praying in a church, and praying in a casino, is that in a casino – you really mean it. Casino Rule #5: Never ask the Roulette guy if the French wheel was imported. I got lucky the last time I went gambling … I accidentally left my wallet at home. Casino Rule #1: Never gamble more...
The River Ridge Theater Department had a problem. Their talent base held no less than 12 seniors – and all of them needed to be out on stage for their final performance. But finding a show that had enough parts for as many females as the Wildcats had actors ... that was the issue. The solution, was dipping into the way back machine and pulling out a play from the 1930s entitled "Stage Door." Now, you need a quick history lesson, because I looked into it. The play "Stage Door" was written back i...
Would you kindly repeat for the judge, who is a lawyer … and for your attorney, who is a lawyer, the lawyer joke that caused my client to punch you in the mouth. The problem with lawyer jokes is that lawyers don’t think they’re funny, and nobody else thinks they’re jokes. In the future, please say “I object” rather than, “That’s total b.s.” Every time lawyers start telling their old jokes, they end up arguing over copyright infringement. I think I’m in trouble. My lawyer told me if I want justice, it’s $200 an hour, but if I want obstruction...
Enjoy a night of fall melodies and music of the classics with the Highland Big Band at a concert at 7 p.m. on Friday, Nov. 17 in the Fine Arts Theatre at the Ferguson Fine Arts Center, 2998 W. Pearl City Rd., Freeport. “The HCC Big Band will feature some outstanding soloists and many fine musicians playing jazz band classics,” said Bill Petersen, director. Music will include “Big Swing Face” and “Mercy, Mercy, Mercy” from the Buddy Rich Band. John Hartman will sing the Dean Martin classic "You're Nobody 'til Somebody Loves You" and a new song...
Your x-ray showed a broken rib, but we fixed it with photoshop. These hospital robes let my butt hang out, so I guess now I know why they call it the ICU. I knew I was in trouble when the nurse was taking my temperature and asked her partner how do you tell the difference between the oral and rectal thermometers. My surgery was so expensive that they installed a GPS system so their billing department would always be able to find me. I’m sorry Mr. Stevens but you caught a virus from your computer and we had to erase your brain. I hope you h...
Tickets are now on sale for Freeport High School’s fall musical, Shrek: The Musical, to be performed at the Jeannette Lloyd Theatre November 9 through 11. In this hilarious fairy tale, based on the popular movie, grumpy, green ogre Shrek lives alone in his swamp until his home is invaded by a group of homeless fairy tale characters. Then he and his new friend Donkey must set forth on a quest to rescue the beautiful Princess Fiona. With dazzling sets, whimsical puppetry, and energetic dance numbers, Shrek: The Musical transforms the contemporary...
Dating should be like buying a car … I should get to talk to the previous owners. If my relationships were any more of a joke, I’d be dating the chicken that crossed the road. I don’t need to look at more data. What I’m feeling about you is already statistically significant. Online dating helps me meet and break up with someone without ever leaving the house. My girlfriend would be so much more likeable if it wasn’t for that hole in her face that noises come out of. I would tell you to go to hell, but I work there and don’t want to see you eve...
With only seventeen in the cast, the EPC drama department entertained us with the comedy The Murderous Mrs. Maisy. The story starts in a comedy club in the 1950’s. Rhett Forth played Mitch Dickers, the barker at the comedy club. He was dynamic and helped with setting the scene for the rest of the play. Shelby Grozinger was cast as Mrs. Maisy. She provided a strong character and her timing for the comedy lines was quite good. She had a short set at the comedy club the night that her husband vanished. Mrs. Maisy moves into her m...
