We don't write papers, we build scrapbooks
We don't write papers, we build scrapbooks
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Everyone PLEASE be careful because people are going crazy from being locked down at home! I was just talking about this with the microwave and the toaster while drinking my coffee, and we all agreed that things are getting bad. I didn't mention any of this to the washing machine, because she puts a different spin on EVERYTHING!! Certainly couldn't share with the fridge, cause he's been acting cold and distant! In the end, the iron straightened me out! She said the situation isn't all that pressing and all the wrinkles will soon get ironed out!...
What Comes Out Of The Mouths Of Kids ... "My name is Liz. Short for Lizard. NOT Elizabeth." I was frustrated while working on my computer the other day, and my three year old daughter says," Why don't you tell me all about it mom?" When my daughter saw a special on television where they said owls were nocturnal, she turned to me and said, "Wow, I didn't know owls were not turtles." Today, I asked a kindergartener if Friday was his favorite day of the week. He responded, "I don't know. I don't know a lot of things. I'm confused all the time." My...
The Daily Drawing is a drawing for 365 daily cash prizes from October 1, 2020 – September 30, 2021 to those donating for a ticket. Over $21,000 is paid out to ticket holders during the drawing year. Cash prizes vary between $50 and $250. A ticket may win multiple times as each ticket remains in the drawing each day for the entire year, no matter how often it may be drawn. There are 16 organizations working together on the Daily Drawing from Jo Daviess, Carroll & Stephenson County. Sponsoring organizations include: Caring Community of E...
Yesterday I saw a man spill all his Scrabble letters on the road. So I asked him, "What's the word on the street?" A ham sandwich walked into a bar and ordered a beer, but the bartender said, "Sorry, we don't serve food here." The nurse needed to make sure she had a red pen with her when she went to work because the doctor told her she was going to have to draw blood. Ever wonder how Seagulls got their name? Because if they flew over the bay, they would be called bagels. Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor said...
In place of our traditional Bonfire on the Bluff event, the Jo Daviess Conservation Foundation (JDCF) invites the public to an open hike night at the Casper Bluff Land & Water Reserve on January 23rd, 2021 from 6-8:00 PM. Luminarias will light the trails leading to the Thunderbird effigy mound, the Galena Rotary Pavilion, and the new story walk for kids. While we won't be gathering around a bonfire to share stories and treats in order to comply with State of Illinois' Covid-19 restrictions,...
All of the sheets have been graded – but we still have the College Football Championship to factor in – and that was scheduled to take place after we had to go to press. However, the top five players all took Alabama, and when we went through all of the standings – there might be movement within the rankings, but it will not change the prizes being awarded. (Someone moving from eighth to seventh still wins $50) Therefore, below are the "official" final standings (and prizes) for this seaso...
I have faith in Pfizer and its Covid vaccine because it also makes Viagra. If Pfizer can raise the dead, it can save the living. My New Year resolution was to lose weight. So far I've lost my motivation to lose weight. I'm tired of wishing my friends peace, love and health. Blah, Blah, Blah. This year I wish you tons of sex, booze, a winning season for your favorite team and that you win the lotto! Happy New Year! Don't forget to make some resolutions you'll never keep and put up a new wall calendar you'll never look at. I was going to quit all...
Dear Santa; I'm writing to let you know that I've been naughty this year, and it was worth it. Dear Santa; I have been very good for the last week or so. Let's focus on that. Dear Santa; Can we bring back the year when clowns tried to kill us all? I liked that one better than this Covid stuff. Dear Santa; Please text my dad. He has my whole list. Dear Santa; If you want to grab a beer, feel free to get the lot, or just one. The fridge is near the back door. Dear Santa; How are you? Well, enough chit chat. Let's get down to business. This year...
For over 150 years, the Stephenson County Fair has been a major summertime event featuring agriculture, exhibits, competitions, entertainment and an educational awareness and experience for young and old alike. Just planning the fair is a year-long event by the time a carnival is contracted, sponsors are secured, entertainment is booked, commercial and food vendors are contacted, volunteers and gate workers are lined up, the Fair Book is typed and printed, ribbons and trophies are ordered,...
Sure, sure, being on the nice list might get you more presents, but I can tell you that being on the naughty list has its' own rewards. On the first day of the new term, Bob & Sally got a note from their son's teacher which read: "If you promise not to believe all that your son says happens at school, I promise not to believe everything your son says is happening at home." Timmy knew he had been naughty this year, so he needed to try a different strategy with his letter to Santa this year. "Dear Santa, so what I have done this year may not...
Ok, nobody is really looking forward to it, but we all know that winter – and snow – is on the way. Well, with everyone stuck at home for the most part, we thought of a new contest for our readers. We're looking for the best snow sculptures we can find. Whether they are elaborate, or funny, it doesn't matter. Let your imagination run wild. All you have to do is build your masterpiece whenever we finally get the flaky white stuff, then either shoot the photo of it and email it to us, or send us...
Freeport alderperson and retired executive, James Berberet, published his first novel in early November available in both paperback and eBook. His novel, Quest for the Pulitzer, is a story about the future of Illinois, what it could become, if changes are made. Now. What transpires in Quest may never come to pass, but if it does, it’ll be labeled Political Fantasy, a new genre in fiction. Berberet is a retired Executive Director of the local community college foundation and a former President/COO and Vice President of Sales and Marketing for m...
I should have suspected my husband was lazy; on our wedding day, his mother told me, "I'm not losing a son, I'm gaining a couch." My husband said he needed more space, so I locked him outside. I told my wife that when I'm gone, she'll never find another man like me. Without missing a beat she replied, "What makes you think I'd want another man like you?" It has been scientifically proven, there is one phrase that no husband has ever uttered – anywhere ... "Hun, I know where we keep everything in the house." Marriage is simply an endless sleepov...
1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi. 2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian. 3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still. 4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption. 5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it will still be stationery . 6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering. 7. A grenade thrown into a...
The Stephenson County Fair Association (SCFA) is excited to announce the 2021 Fair Dates as July 27-31. SCFA recognizes the uncertain circumstances with the COVID-19 pandemic but is excited to look toward and start planning for next year's fair. "We understand there is always the chance the fair won't happen again in 2021," said Gary Mielke, SCFA Board President, "but we need to remain positive and start planning for when it does happen." The Stephenson County Fair committees worked hard...
The Freeport Art Museum opens two exhibitions on November 14th. Insight/Incite presents the work of Fatherless, a collaborative print posse based in Rockford, Illinois. Showing nationally and internationally, they offer up a brand of Rust Belt Power Pop screen prints. This exhibition includes prints from the past decade and works responding to social upheaval beginning with the 2016 election. Some of which have previously traveled to North Carolina, Chicago, and New York in response to events...
You see that drunk guy over there? Ten years ago he proposed to me and I rejected him. I just can't believe that after all of this time, he's still celebrating. Here's another secret for success: If you get caught sleeping on the job, slowly raise your head and say, "In Jesus name, Amen." A baby's laughter is the most beautiful sounds you will ever hear ... Unless it's three in the morning, you're home alone, and you don't have a baby. I was in a job interview today when the manager handed me his laptop and said, "I want you to try and sell...
The Friends of the Lanark Public Library are asking for your help. COVID restrictions forced the cancellation of our upcoming fundraiser, reducing our ability to support Lanark’s library this year. To offset the loss, we are holding an Open House with 50% off Twice-Sold Tales Books and More on Friday and Saturday, November 6 and 7. Christmas books, DVDs, CDs, and more will be available, including plenty of giftable books for children through adults, and, of course, thousands of titles for all ages and all tastes. Visit Twice-Sold Tales G...
If you fart when people hug you, it makes them feel strong. A husband and wife were at a party when the subject came up about marriage counseling. "Oh we'll never need that," the wife said. "My husband and I have a great relationship. He was a communication major in college, and I majored in theater arts. So he communicates really well, and I just act like I'm listening." An apple a day really does keep the doctor away ... but only if you aim it well. My wife has discovered a great new exercise to stay in shape – Shopping! She runs to the s...
John Travolta tested negative for coronavirus last night. Turns out it was just Saturday night fever. The World Health Organization has announced that dogs cannot contract Covid-19. Dogs previously held in quarantine can now be released. To be clear, WHO let the dogs out. I saw an ad for burial plots, and thought to myself that's the last thing I need. Intelligence is like underwear. It is important that you have it but not necessary that you show it off. Relationships are a lot like algebra....
Submissions came in, and we must say there were some very impressive Halloween displays that we saw throughout the region – which sparked an idea. Thanks to the sponsorship of Three Headed Monster BBQ in Shannon, Sweetie Me in Lena, and The Cookie Jar in Freeport – we have a nice prize package to give to the three houses picked as winners in our first ever Haunted House Halloween Home Decorating Contest. Each of the winners will be receiving a coupon good for a free five pound bag of cooked pul...
Ever wonder who Betty Crocker was or how she learned to cook so well? Learn the true story of Betty Crocker when local favorite Leslie Goddard presents a fun, illustrated lecture titled "Betty Crocker and Her Cookbook That Changed How America Cooks" at 1 p.m., Friday, October 30, via Zoom. Goddard has drawn standing-room-only crowds to the Senior Activity Center and the Winneshiek Playhouse for her portrayal of Amelia Earhart and Queen Elizabeth II. She also holds a Ph.D. and is a noted...
I don't know why my boss is so mad. I went into work, and he told me to have a good day ... so I went home. It may look like I'm having really deep thoughts, but 99% of the time I'm only thinking about what food I'm going to eat later. I'm not really sure which is harder on a relationship – sharing a dresser for three years, or sharing an iPhone charger for one day. My wife and I learned a long time ago, that when your children are teenagers, you really should have a dog in the house. That way at least someone is happy to see you. You know w...
We got the idea last week, and after making a few phone calls, several other area businesses jumped on board to support it. So now, our first official Halloween Home Contest is now on! But your help is needed. While we do travel all over the region throughout the course of the week, we may not see a house that has been decorated well for the upcoming Halloween celebration. Feel free to email or text us an address you think we need to check out. The plan is to award a first, second and third...
So far, the year 2020 is like looking both ways before crossing the street and then getting hit by an airplane. A story on the news announced that the Liberal Left is furious about Homeschooling. Not that they question the quality of education, but because spanking and prayer are both allowed again in the classroom. This Coronavirus is changing everyone's behavior. I used to cough to hide a fart, now I fart to tray and hide my cough. Does anybody else think we will begin seeing lawyer ads in ten years that read: Were you or someone in your...
