We don't write papers, we build scrapbooks
We don't write papers, we build scrapbooks
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When I said “Happy Anniversary” to my husband, he only replied, “The adventure continues.” Honey, you’re the only one I want to annoy for the rest of my life. Happy Anniversary. At first I was happy that you remembered our anniversary, until I realized that the anniversary party you’re throwing is for when you met the guy who sells you cigars. Happy anniversary dear, here’s a new list of home projects I want you to handle this year. There’s no one that I would rather lie in bed and look at my phone next to – Happy Anniversary. I wanted to keep...
My boss told me he doesn’t have time for performance reviews, so he’s just going to criticize me in public from time to time. My boss told me to have a good day … so I went home. My company’s policy is to hire professional staff, then micro manage them until they walk out the door. When my boss is mad, and takes it out on me, I do less work. You can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response. I’d tell my boss to go jump in a lake, but he’d probably just delegate that to me too. Well, off to work I go. The place where the size of my boss’ e...
I need to start eating more healthy, but first I need to eat all the junk food in the house so it’s not there to tempt me anymore. Brothers who steal each other’s snacks, have a nibbling rivalry. Junk food would be a lot easier to avoid if it actually tasted like junk. The fast food restaurant industry just found a new item for the menu … they don’t really know what it is, but once they added bacon, everybody loved it. I don’t need a menu, just pick the healthiest dish you have, and give it to me deep fried. You’d be surprised how many people...
I decided to take an aerobics class. I bent, twisted, gyrated, and jumped up and down for an hour. By the time I got my leotard on, I was too tired to go to the class. It’s time for me to exercise again, but I’m still walking funny from my last workout. I’ve got to start taking better care of myself. Whoever was supposed to be doing it has done a really crappy job. Damn it, my doctor just told me that the handle on my recliner does not count as an exercise machine. I do two hours of cardio every day. But I still need to find a closer parki...
I’m not saying there’s a lot of rain, but Noah called – he’s going to stop by to pick us up in ten minutes. With all of this rain, my lawn will drown before I ever get the chance to not mow it. Rain, Rain, go away, Kids have been inside all day. Screaming, running, oh what fun, Mommy needs more Valium. I think when I saw a bluegill swim by our living room window, that was a clue that we had a lot of rain. It only rained twice this summer – once for 35 days, and once for 45. Mom, call NASA, I want to report an unidentified flying object ...
Announcing the Lena Lions 71st Annual Fall Festival, known as "The Cadillac of Small Town Festivals" will be held in downtown Lena on September 9th & 10th. Free entertainment on Friday – 7:00 pm – The CROSS CUT BAND is a family friendly four piece band out of Freeport, IL. The band plays older hits, both rock and country and has been together since the late 90's. Look forward to an evening of old music and fun with the Cross Cut Band! Saturday night – The MADDMEN are back by popular demand at th...
I'll be honest, I have never liked the musical "Working" by Stephen Schwartz, and if the truth be told – he knows it, because I told him so when I worked with him back during my New York days. The problem, as I saw it, was that – because there is no plot-line, it is simply a collection of songs and monologues that celebrated the workers of the world – there is no way for any performer to "steal" the show. But Friday night at Highland College, I was proven wrong. First of all, some major kudos...
I tried to sue the airport for losing my luggage … I lost my case. I couldn’t figure out why the baseball was getting larger … then it hit me. What’s the best part about living in Switzerland? I’m not sure, but the flag’s a big plus. I wonder if Chinese tourists get angry when they buy a souvenir from America, only to find out it was made in China. Please keep making excuses for your kid’s bad behavior. It really seems to be working out well for you. A teenager is a person who is ready for the zombie apocalypse, but not ready for the midterm m...
Timber Lake Playhouse (TLP), the premier professional summer theatre of northwest Illinois, will continue their summer season with We Will Rock You, the musical by Queen and Ben Elton. Featuring twenty-four of Queen's greatest hits, including "Another One Bites the Dust," "Bohemian Rhapsody," "Killer Queen," "We Will Rock You," "Somebody to Love," "We Are the Champions," "Don't Stop Me Now," and many more, We Will Rock You is a futurist adventure set in a time when live music is banned on...
A juried outdoor show of art and fine crafts welcomes artists and artisans to the grounds of the Old Market House State Historic Site in downtown Galena. The show is sponsored by the Galena Cultural Arts Alliance and Hello Galena! Artist Co-operative. The festival starts Saturday, Aug. 13, from 10 a.m. to 6 p.m. and continues Sunday, Aug. 14, from 10 a.m. to 4 p.m. on the lawn between the Old Market House and Hello Galena! at 121 N. Commerce Street, one block off Main (1BOM) toward the river in...
School will be starting soon … Resistance is futile. Why do I have to write an essay about my Summer Vacation? Weren’t you following me on Twitter? “But I don’t want to go back to school! Nobody likes me! They tease me and pull my hair, and beat me up. I hate it!” “Nobody said teaching would be easy dear.” Hello students, today I am going to give you an even smaller wireless device that gives you access to thousands of books and archives … it’s called a library card. Mom, they gave me detention in school for passing notes … this is why I need...
The winners are announced in the Northwest Illinois Daily (a cooperative fundraiser) for July. The Daily Drawing is a drawing for 365 daily cash prizes from October 1, 2021 – September 30, 2022, to those donating for a ticket. Over $21,000 is paid out to ticket holders during the drawing year. Cash prizes vary between $50 and $250. A ticket may win multiple times as each ticket remains in the drawing each day for the entire year, no matter how often it may be drawn. Sponsoring organizations from Jo Daviess, Carroll & Stephenson County i...
Another beautiful season of outdoor music will come to a close with the last date of Music on Chicago scheduled for Friday, August 5. The three-month music series finishes its 22nd year in Downtown Freeport. Don't miss a fantastic music and community event that has entertained thousands in 2022. The event moved to the Freeport Arts Plaza at 15 S. Douglas Street in 2021 and continues to thrive in this beautiful venue in 2022. High Stakes, an 80's, 90's and 2000's band from Bensenville, IL, will...
The Jo Daviess Conservation Foundation (JDCF) invites everyone to Meteors on the Mound for a glimpse of the Perseid meteor shower from atop Horseshoe Mound Preserve on Saturday, August 13th from 7:00 – 10:00 PM. Horseshoe Mound is one of the highest points in Jo Daviess County and offers spectacular views of the tristate area from several different outlooks. This is the only time of the year that the preserve is open to the public after dark so it is a special occasion. Cost is $10/person. R...
I don’t want to say it’s too hot in my room, but two Hobbits just came around and threw a ring in it. The heat index is somewhere between OMG and WTF. No, that’s not true. Today the heat index is somewhere between boob sweat and Satan’s Anus. The heat this summer has been brutal. Not only can you fry an egg on the sidewalk, but you can also use your mailbox as a toaster oven. Summer heat is proof that Mother Nature is menopausal. A heat wave? In the summer? But that NEVER happens! Except every year, at the exact same time, ever since … forever....
Freeport Cruise Night returns to Downtown Freeport on Saturday, August 13 from 4-9 pm attracting car enthusiasts, families and guests from around the region for a fantastic event. The event begins with the car show, commercial vendors and food vendors at 4 pm. Cars are displayed in the municipal lot along Douglas Street, east lot at the corner of Adams and Stephenson Street and additional parking on Stephenson Street. Shuffle This will perform on the Freeport Arts Plaza (15 W. Douglas St.)...
Once again, the Willow Folk Festival will fill the air with music in Northwest Illinois' Willow Valley, nestled deep in the green hills of Jo Davies County. Fest organizer Pauline Craig tells us August 13 and 14 will mark its finale as a weekend event. Pauline says, "After 55 years, this will be the last one, as we know it. There was discussion about turning it back into a one-day affair with some other changes. So, stay tuned for that. We are open to suggestions on how to make a one-day affair...
Woo Hoo it’s Friday! … Oh Wait, I’m a farmer. Farmer Proverb: Any man can drive a tractor, but it’s no fun plowin’ without your hoe. I was going to tell a farmer joke … but it was too corny. What did the mama cow say to the baby cow … “It’s pasture bedtime.” What does a farmer talk about when he’s milking his cows … “Udder nonsense.” Cows can turn grass into steak … what’s your super power? Farmers have pets who poop breakfast … they’re called chickens. We’re switching vacations with the Jones; They’ll milk our cows and we’ll milk theirs. My...
Highland Community College's 47th season of Summerset Theatre will present the musical "Working." Performances will run at 7:30 p.m. on Aug. 11, 12, and 13 and at 3 p.m. on Aug. 14 at the Fine Arts Theatre in the Ferguson Fine Arts Center at 2998 W. Pearl City, Rd., Freeport, Ill. Nominated for six Tony Awards, "Working" is based on Studs Terkel's best-selling book of firsthand accounts from American workers. Songs are by Stephen Schwartz ("Wicked" and "Godspell"), Lin-Manuel Miranda...
The Stockton Chamber of Commerce will be kicking off its annual Fall Into Stockton event on Saturday, August 20, 2022. It will take place downtown on Main Street as well as along a section of Front Street where music and entertainment will be held. Music performances include Back Country Roads, Free Fall and Ten Gallon Hat. This is a family friendly event that has activities for all ages. Festivities begin at 9:30 am and run through 8:00 pm that evening. All-day fun includes a kick-off parade,...
The key to any good relationship is Sincerity. Once you learn how to fake that, you’ve got it made. It’s not you, honestly, it’s me. I’ve just got to stop dating losers. Dating should be like shopping for a car. You should get to talk to the previous owners. Every time I begin to look at online dating options, I get the feeling that I’m going to be single forever. Based on her online dating profile, I could tell that literacy was not one of the characteristics we share. Technology can make dating really difficult. I dated a 21 year old for t...
OMG, you guys! Like, you totally have to see Legally Blonde the Musical on stage at Timber Lake Playhouse (TLP), the premier professional summer theatre of northwest Illinois, from July 14 through July 24. A fabulously fun award-winning musical based on the adored movie, Legally Blonde - The Musical, follows the transformation of Elle Woods as she tackles stereotypes and scandal in pursuit of her dreams. Action-packed and exploding with memorable songs and dynamic dances, Legally Blonde the Musical will take you from the social whirl of...
If you ever get frustrated with life out here in Northwest Illinois, just turn on your car radio to WBBM and listen to the Chicago traffic report, you’ll feel much better. My driving instructor asked me to parallel park – which wasn’t easy while I was talking on the phone and changing songs on my iPod. I thought I might pass my driver’s exam, and the teacher said he considered it, but I guess driving in reverse down a One Way street the wrong way at 60 miles per hour over an open manhole cover was working against me. Mt dad said he would t...
I’m thinking about doing a little work on my lawn but I can’t decide … concrete or gravel? My husband gardens in the nude … it’s a lot more effective than a scarecrow. Keeping up with my yardwork requires a lot of blood, sweat and beers. Personally, I’d like to use my weed whacker on the guy who starts mowing his lawn at 8 am. They might call them “organic” vegetables, but what they really mean is “grown in poop.” I would have mowed my lawn earlier, but the neighborhood petition was late this year. I’m not big into lawn care. I’m more into l...
Timber Lake Playhouse, the premier professional summer theatre of northwest Illinois, will bring back their on-campus workshops and performance opportunities for area youth of all ages including the High School Internship Program which provides paid internships for four area high school students. Timber Lake Playhouse will, again, provide paid apprenticeships for area teens interested in pursuing careers in the theatre arts. Four teens will be chosen to work alongside TLP’s artistic and administrative teams performing a variety of tasks in all...
