We don't write papers, we build scrapbooks
We don't write papers, we build scrapbooks
Sorted by date Results 151 - 175 of 518
Easter Egg Hunts are proof that your child can find things when they really want to. Easter Eggs hide because they’re a little chicken. I’m looking for an adult Easter Egg Hunt. Instead of plastic eggs and little pieces of candy, they hide glasses and cans of cold beer. If you see a rabbit laying little brown eggs, don’t eat them, that’s not chocolate. There’s not point in hunting for Easter Eggs in my house. The only bunnies around here are dust bunnies. Each year at Easter my mom would send us out into the yard with baskets. Then she’d loc...
Replacing a long time and beloved theater director at a small school is never easy, and while there were several areas that will undoubtedly be improved upon in the years to come, Stockton's production of Shrek proved to be a solid first effort for new director Brian Thompson. First, let's hit the highlights – costuming was amazing. From the pint sized Farquaad to all of the Fairytale characters ... I know a lot came from the Byron Civic Theater, but still – it was great! I was also really imp...
The problem with lawyer jokes is that lawyers don’t think they’re funny, and no one else thinks they’re jokes. Every time lawyers tell their same old jokes, they end up arguing over copyright infringement. In the future, you should have been taught in law school to say “I object” instead of “That’s total bull%$@#.” I’m really sorry your honor, and I promise I’ll never get caught again. The difference between a lawyer and a heard of buffalo is that the lawyer charges more. Your honor, my client requests the opportunity to try a different sto...
My mechanic said it would cost $300 to fix the squeak my car’s engine was making, so I decided to just play my Iron Maiden CD really loud to drown out the noise. I don’t know what’s wrong, but if you open and close the hood like this, It looks like your car is talking. You can tell he’s an auto mechanic – he washes his hands before going to the bathroom. I’m sorry Mr. Stevens, but the only service I can give your car is a funeral service. I certainly hope it doesn’t take me as long to pay your bill as it did for you to get the part my car n...
It has come to the point where the biggest mistake I can make is to underestimate Director Renee Schultz. She went out on a limb by choosing "We Will Rock You" as the annual musical production for Lena-Winslow, but what was put on display was really well done. When you pick a show that people know the music - comparisons are bound to be made. Everyone knows Queen, but with only a couple of exceptions - the tunes were nailed. I was stunned to hear lead Rowen Schulz hit the high notes on his openi...
The Orangeville Broncos held their Spring performance last weekend. Instead of a 'show' in the classic sense of the word, Director, Joe Davis went out on a limb - making his very young cast try their hand at Improvisational comedy, mixed in with a collection of comedy monologues and short skits. Now, when I say the cast was young, we're talking young. Eighth graders - kids 13 and 14 years old - were put up on stage to try and perform in front of family and friends. I won't lie, the expectations...
May the wind at your back not be the result of the corned beef and cabbage you had for lunch. You don’t need St. Paddy’s Day to spot a leprechaun. There are plenty of strange little men everywhere you go. I actually saw a leprechaun once. After enough green beer, you see all kinds of stuff. The luck of the Irish is fine, but I prefer the scowl of the crabby. It’s easy to get people dancing at parties. Just hold up the line for the bathroom. So, if St. Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland, I wonder if I could get him to stop by our offic...
Changing to Daylight Savings on Sunday should always be followed by a national holiday on Monday. We lost an hour last night, but look on the bright side. We’re that much closer to Happy Hour. Daylight Savings – when all the appliance clocks in my house are showing the correct time again. At my age, I’m never sure I’ll get that “spring forward” hour back. I change the time on my alarm clock when I find out where it landed in the yard. Remember, it’s Spring forward, Fall back, and why the hell are we still doing this? It’s a shame Daylight...
Usual Suspects, a northern Illinois rock, rhythm and blues band, is performing a stage show in the ballroom of the Masonic Event Center on Saturday, March 18. In addition to being a fun-filled night of great music and entertainment, the event also serves as a fundraiser for downtown Freeport beautification efforts for the season. The event is hosted by the Greater Freeport Partnership along with the generous support from local sponsors. Usual Suspects is a Freeport treasure with a high-energy...
The Lena-Winslow High School Theater program is proud to present the full-length musical, We Will Rock You, school edition on Friday, March 10 and Saturday, March 11 at 7:00 p.m. This musical features more than 20 hit Queen songs including, "Another One Bites the Dust," "Somebody to Love," "We are the Champions," and many more! We Will Rock You follows two young rebels as they try to restore rock 'n' roll to "the iPlanet" in a post-apocalyptic world. We Will Rock You is a musical for our time:...
Jacob Andrews, Sexton of the Lena Cemetery, will give a presentation on the “Past, Present and Future” of the Lena Cemetery, on Sunday, March 12th at the Lena Historical Museum located at 427 Grove Street at 2:00 pm. The public is invited to attend. Tours of the museum will also be available, and refreshments will be served. This is a free event, but donations are always appreciated....
The Jo Daviess Conservation Foundation (JDCF) invites you to join our book club, Conservation Conversation, for a free series of weekly Zoom discussions. Starting March 1, we will begin with the second book in our 3-book series, An Indigenous Peoples' History of the U.S., facilitated by Andrew Townsend. You may join in for any or all of the 4 weekly discussions. This book club continues to look into the relationship of the Indigenous People of the Americas with their natural environment, and...
All these people with cabin fever obviously forgot to stock up on their alcohol. I’m in the mood to do some spring cleaning, so apparently cabin fever has made me delirious. You can’t possibly have winter cabin fever, winter just officially started a few days ago. I’d probably have cabin fever if I wasn’t already so lazy. Cabin fever stage seven … paint the snow. I’m sorry, but I want to ASK my family about their day. I sure as hell don’t want to share it with them. My cabin fever is really bad – I can’t wait for March Madness to start....
Customer Service is the art of doing your best to convince a moron that they are not a moron, without calling them a moron. Did you ever work at one of your coworkers and be like … How the hell do you still work here? No, I’m not angry with you, sir. I’m angry at the random act of fate that directed your phone call to my extension. Tomorrow is national “Slap your annoying coworker day.” If you’re not sure who that is, I’d call in sick. Thank you so much for yelling at me and blaming me for your problems today sir/ma’am. It makes me even m...
Bad managers don’t listen to their employees, because it makes them feel insecure when they find out the employees are smarter than they are. I’d tell my boss to go jump in a lake, but he’d probably just delegate that to me too. When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work. You can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response. Simmons, I don’t have time to write performance reviews, so from now on I’ll just criticize you in public from time to time. I heard you worked so hard you literally passed out for twenty minutes. So...
Our program for Monday February 20, 2023, at 7pm, Country Crossroads Quilt Guild will be a roundtable discussion on “Tips and Recommendations Your Longarm Quilter Wished You Knew.” The discussion will be led by several of our current members who are experienced Longarm Quilters. This event is meant to be interactive, so join us and share your longarm experiences and questions. Guild meetings are held at the Forreston Grove Church, 7246 Freeport Road; Forreston, IL the third Monday of each month at 7 pm, with ample time to meet and greet mem...
At 7:00 pm on Feb. 23 the Eagle Nature Foundation and the Apple River State Bank will be co-sponsoring a two hour family Magic Show at the Apple River Event Center as a fund-raiser for the Eagle Nature Foundation. Jo Daviess County’s three magicians are donating their time and talent to help raise money for the research that is needed to save our bald eagle by finding out what is presently adversely affecting our bald eagle reproduction. The magicians are P.T. Murphy, Jim McCrea and David Sigafus, plus there is a good possibility that we w...
Timber Lake Playhouse, the premier professional summer theatre of northwest Illinois, announces auditions for local children and adult for their upcoming 2022 Season. Timber Lake Playhouse will again be casting local performers for the following performance opportunities: - TLP Summer Mainstage Season: Casting will be for local actors and actresses ages 6 to 106 to perform roles this summer. Ensemble roles in Grease, Sound of Music, 9 to 5, and Jersey Boys as well as the Von Trapp children in Sound of Music will be available. - Magic Owl Childr...
I don’t understand why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentine’s Day. When I think about romance, the last thing on my mind is a short, chubby toddler coming at me with a weapon. Screw Valentine’s Day. I’m just waiting for the discounted chocolate on February 15th Valentine’s Day is just a harsh reminder that I’m forever alone. It’s Valentine’s Day. So, if you’re secretly in love with me, it’s time to reveal it now. I’m spending Valentine’s Day with my true love … food, and Netflix. Best of luck to those trying to reconcile their feminist...
Shopping Tip #23 – Accidentally buy the potato chips your spouse doesn’t like so you won’t have to share. The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries … until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.” I don’t know about you, but I still get excited that I can now buy the unhealthy cereal I wasn;t allowed to have as a child. 500 shopping carts at the grocery store and I keep picking the one with the front wheel that likes to pirouette like a ballerina on speed. At my age, the last girl who checked me...
In just over a one year span the Queen of Hearts has made her 4th visit to Lena in The Lena Sons of The American Legion Queen of Hearts raffle held each Saturday at the Iron Horse Tap. Deb Vrstal correctly chose card number 30 where the Queen was hiding and for guessing correctly and being present for the drawing, she takes home 70% of the $4,820 prize pool or $$3,374 with federal and state taxes to be withheld. A new raffle with an initial pot of $500 will start with weekly drawings on Saturday, January 28th at 5:30 PM at the Iron Horse Tap...
If my relationships were any more of a joke, I’d be dating the chicken that crossed the road. The most important part of any relationship, is the first open fart. You know that crucial moment on a first date when you realize you’d rather be home watching tv with your cat? Marriage is … always having someone to pity-laugh at your jokes. I don’t know where my prince charming is, but I’m already prepared for our first fight because he is super late. I was excited about my blind date with a man in uniform … until I found out he’s a Boy Scout Den...
Highland Community College announces a call for entries for the 52nd annual District Juried Art Exhibit. Works are due on Feb. 1 for the exhibit, which runs Feb. 15 to March 13. Submission directions can be found at highland.edu/juriedart. The exhibit celebrates area artists and Highland students by displaying their artwork in the Highland Gallery and online. Submission is open to original two- and three-dimensional works in any medium completed in the last two years and not previously exhibited in the Highland Gallery. Current students and...
The Jo Daviess Conservation Foundation (JDCF) invites the public to an open hike night at the Casper Bluff Preserve on January 21, 2023 from 6-8:00 PM. Bring the entire family to for a chance to experience the preserve and the adjacent Casper Creek Natural Cemetery after dark. Luminarias will light the trails leading to the Thunderbird effigy mound, the Galena Rotary Pavilion, and through the natural cemetery. There will also be several communal bonfires burning to keep you warm. RSVPs are not...
Middle age is the time when you finally get your head together, but your body starts falling apart. Everything is all well and good in your thirties and forties, but once you hit 50 the check engine light comes on. You know you’re getting old when you have to wear your glasses in the shower in order to shave your legs. I don’t let aging get me down. With my knees, it’s too hard to get back up. When you’re making Thanksgiving Dinner, do your giblets end up in the gravy? Or do you wear a bra when you cook? I’ve reached the age where my secrets ar...
