We don't write papers, we build scrapbooks
We don't write papers, we build scrapbooks
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It’s official. The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth. If you’re a friend with stupid people, you feel like a genius all the time. When I asked “How stupid can you be?” That wasn’t a challenge. Idiots cause stress. Stress causes depression. Depression causes physical ailments. Conclusion: Stupid people make me sick. Just remember, stupid people were put on the earth to test our anger management skills. Scientists say the world is made up of Protons, Neutrons and Electrons … they forgot to mention Morons. It...
It’s a proven fact that after a black widow mates, it will immediately eat its ex. At least Taylor Swift just writes a song about you. Travis Kelce has had a lot of big catches in his career, but if he’s really dating Taylor Swift, that would be the biggest. I swear, if there is a new song by Taylor Swift next year about sacking football players and punting them from her life – I might be physically ill. I hope my new relationship lasts longer than Taylor Swift’s next five. Jason Kelce asked his All Pro brother, Tight End Travis Kelce of the...
What is scarier than zombie movies? Missing Bootiful Saturday in Downtown Freeport on Saturday, October 28! The fun begins at 10 am with a free special feature of Hotel Transylvania: Transformia at the Lindo Theatre. This animated comedy is rated PG and features voices by Adam Sandler and all your favorite characters from the series are back for another great adventure. Following the movie, children accompanied by their guardians, are invited to visit participating storefronts to trick-or-treat...
If your wife is mad at you, go hunting. She’ll still be mad, but at least you’ll be hunting. Vegetarian – Noun – and old Indian word for “bad hunter”. Hey honey, do you remember when I told you to expect a big surprise for our anniversary? Well, I snuck off to go hunting with Chuck – SURPRISE! My greatest fear is that when I die, my wife will sell all of my hunting gear for what I said I paid for it. I just shot the biggest buck of my life, but can’t post it because my boss thinks I’m home sick with the flu. Someone told me there’s more to life...
Our town is so small we don’t have a town drunk, so we all take turns. People think living in the city is exciting because there are so many more ways to die there. In the country, being stuck behind a tractor is a totally legitimate reason for being late to work. City folks think a possum is a flat animal that likes to sleep in roads. Walking the streets of a small town, you stop to talk to the lone person you might run into. Walking the streets of a big city, you make more eye contact with dog’s than people. Country High Schools tend to hav...
Why is it that when you blow in your dog’s face he gets mad. But when he’s riding in the car, he sticks his head out the window? The only way to stop a dog from barking in your front yard, is to put him in the backyard. Damn it. My email password got hacked again. So, I have to change my password. That makes it the third time this year I’ve had to rename the cat. My cat doesn’t do touchy feely. He does scratchy bleedy. If Cats ran Disney … “Raindrops on roses and stepping on faces. Cries of disgust when I barf on shoelaces. Scratching...
The "Best Event in Illinois" returns with even more great activities for craft beer enthusiasts in Downtown Freeport September 23. Pretzel City Brewfest will feature over 150 craft beers from local and national breweries for tasting on the beautifully rejuvenated Chicago Avenue. Tickets can be purchased online through noon Friday, September 22 at greaterfreeport.com/brewfest or at the gate on the day of the event. Pretzel City Brewfest is an entertaining event for adults 21 years and older to...
Fall – when you’re not sure if you should wear winter clothes for the morning, or summer clothes for the afternoon. In the fall, my family likes to play a little game called “How long can we freeze before we turn on the heat for the first time?” I know it may still be 80 degrees outside, but pumpkin spice everything is out and I can wear autumn colors, so Fall la-la-la-la … Fall la-la-la. Sweaters, Hot Cocoa, Walks in the Woods, Falling leaves, Football, Hot Apple Cider, Pumpkins, Chill in the air … In my opinion, there are only two seasons. Fa...
I found out that squirrels can have up to 15 babies in a single litter. Now, I totally understand why they are always running out in front of cars. You know that thing squirrels do when they stand like a statue, then move really fast, then stand like a statue again? Well, they shouldn’t be doing that on the road. Remember, squirrels buried their nuts before it was cool. A squirrel came to my door and told me I had two options – take down the squirrel baffle on the birdfeeder, or watch him chew through the power line and take down my int...
Let’s pretend shall we? I’ll pretend to like cooking, ad you pretend it tastes good. My wife’s cooking is so fabulous, even the smoke alarm cheers her on. I read recipes the same way I read romance novels. I jump to the end and think, “that’s not going to happen.” Either my cooking has improved, or my family’s immune systems have gotten stronger. I love cooking with wine. Sometimes, I even put some in the food. According to Pinterest, all I need to be a great chef is a crock pot. My husband’s cooking is so bad that whenever he cooks, we pray...
The Lanark Public Library and the Friends of the Lanark Public Library will be sponsoring a new book club for both men and women. Organizational meeting will be Friday, September 8 at 1:30 in the Lanark Library meeting room at 111-B South Broad Street, Lanark, Illinois. Discussion will be about preferred day and time along with selecting titles. At this meeting our guests will be long time book club members sharing some of their experiences. Call 815-493-2166 during library hours of Tuesday, Wednesday and Friday, noon – 5:00, Thursday, noon ...
My ex and I divorced for religious reasons … He thought he was God and I didn’t. Whoever said money can’t buy happiness clearly never paid for a divorce. Get married young so you can be divorced and happy in your thirties. For sale: Wedding Dress – worn once by mistake. Call Leslie. The hardest part of your divorce is finding an attractive recent picture of yourself to upload on a dating site. Our divorce judge wasn’t too impressed with either one of us. It was so bad, our dog ended up getting custody of the kids. Clouds are like ex-husbands ...
You know when a joke becomes a Dad joke? … When it becomes apparent. Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it. To the man in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket … you can hide, but you can’t run. Yesterday I ate a clock … it was very time consuming. Especially when I went back for seconds. I was wondering why this frisbee kept looking bigger and bigger … then it hit me. What do you call an alligator in a vest? … An investigator. I have a fear of speed bumps, but I’m slowly getting over it. I also h...
Give a man a fish and he eats for a day. Teach him how to fish and he can avoid his wife for a whole weekend. Two fish walk into a bar … Well, they don’t walk, but you know – wait, I’ll start over. They call him 007 … 0 bites, 0 fish, 7 hours. OK Nemo, he’s almost to the car. Fifty bucks says I can bring him back here with one splash of my tail. Sex is great, but fishing lasts all day. There was a big fight at the seafood restaurant … three fish got battered. I’m a life saver. I rescue fish from water, and beer from bottles. Lord, allow me to c...
Harvest Fest is a new event being held in Terrapin Park, Elizabeth, on August 19th from 9:00 am until 3:00 pm. You're invited to join the celebration of the local farmers, producers, businesses, families and organizations who provide us with fresh food, crafted products, entertainment and education. Local patrons and visitors will experience "Harvest in the Heart of Jo Daviess County" and connect with the agriculture, arts, culture and character of the Elizabeth area. Check out the Farmers...
Gratiot Park in Gratiot, Wisconsin will be the site of a Bluegrass Gospel Concert on Saturday August 26th at 7:00pm featuring BLUEGRASS EXPRESS. Admission is free and everyone is invited to attend. A free will offering will be collected. The event is sponsored by the Evangelical Free Church of Gratiot. In case of rain, the concert will be held indoors. BLUEGRASS EXPRESS was formed in 1980 by the father-son team of Gary and Greg Underwood and has performed extensively ever since, from Michigan...
What is the similarity between a grandmother and a website? You can’t deny the cookies. My grandparents fought during World War II. That was a long time ago, maybe they didn’t have divorce back then. An hour with your grandchildren can make you feel young again … anything longer than that, and you start to age quickly. I don’t care what mom said, grandma said I can have it! All grandchildren are brilliant and beautiful, and obviously take after their grandmother. I don’t get it dad. If grandma’s not a card player, then why did you say she’s n...
What if this Climate Change stuff is all a big hoax. Then we’ll be making the world a better and safer place for nothing! I don’t think the government will declare a war on Climate Change. I mean, considering their war on drugs and war on poverty, they don’t have a good track record. They’re setting up a new Global Warming inaction monument on a single iceberg that was formerly known as “The Arctic”. Only in America do we accept weather predictions from a rodent on Ground Hog Day, but deny climate change evidence from scientists. Wait a minute,...
The Dubuque Main Street (DMS) Board of Directors is excited to announce a new event in downtown Dubuque. The Key City Beer Festival will take place Saturday, August 5, 2023 under Dubuque’s Town Clock on the 700 block of Main Street. This inaugural event is designed to bring together craft beer lovers from all walks of life and provide them with an opportunity to explore their interest, support and promote regional breweries and businesses, raise funds for downtown development, and enhance Dubuque's quality of life. The goal is to create a safe,...
Announcing the Lena Lions 72nd Annual Fall Festival, known as "The Cadillac of Small Town Festivals" will be held in downtown Lena on September 8th & 9th.This year kicks off the 75th Anniversary of the Lena Lions Club! Free entertainment on Friday – 7:00 pm – The MADDMEN are back with one show only. This group is famous for their Classic Rock & Roll, Blues, Classic Country, and more! The current MADDMEN are an advanced incarnation of the NOMADDS, a popular local garage band from the 60's! Saturd...
It’s time to exercise again, but I’m still walking funny from my last workout. I do two hours of cardio every day. But I still need to find the closest parking spot to the gym. My doctor told me to start my exercise program very gradually. So, today, I drove past a store that sells sweat pants. I didn’t make it to the gym today. That makes it seven years in a row. I went for a run but came back after two minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m out of shape and can’t run more than two minutes. Does running into the wine shop coun...
State Representative Tony McCombie (Savanna) is hosting her second annual Sweet Corn Day Celebration on August 1st. The event will be a day of family fun and include face painting, bounce houses, and sweet corn; it will be held in Savanna at 9317 Illinois Route 84 from 4-7 p.m. All are welcome to attend! Representative McCombie is passionate about showing appreciation for sweet corn, and in 2022 passed legislation to designate August 1st as Sweet Corn Appreciation Day in Illinois. "I am happy...
My family puts the “fun” in Dysfunctional. Mom’s casseroles only come in two sizes – not enough, and enough to feed an army with leftovers. Trust me, when you think you are the most messed up person in the world, go to a family reunion and you will see otherwise. Remember, be nice to your kids. They’ll be choosing your nursing home someday. My wife wants to have a family gathering for the remaining family members who still speak to each other. I shook my family tree and a bunch of nuts fell out. Insanity does not run in my family. Instead,...
Marriage is just a fancy word for adopting an overgrown male child who cannot be handled by his parents anymore. I asked my dad how much it cost to get married, but he said he didn’t know – he was still paying for it. Marriage is full of surprises, but it’s mostly just asking each other, “Do you really have to do that right now?” It might be true that in China, a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries, but I would argue that this truism happens everywhere. And I do mean … everywhere. The two golden rules of marriage are 1) The wife is a...
The City of Shullsburg, Wisconsin, has announced its 2023 entertainment line-up for their 20th Annual Music in the Park Concert Series, offering music from a variety of area artists throughout the summer as part of their seasonal entertainment. The free, family-friendly concerts are held from 6:30 – 8:30 p.m. at Shullsburg’s Badger Park – 279 Estey Street in Shullsburg. Food and beverage will be available for purchase at each event, with different vendors and offerings at every show. Concert goers are encouraged to bring their lawn chair...
