We don't write papers, we build scrapbooks
We don't write papers, we build scrapbooks
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What did one Christmas tree say to the other? Lighten up. How did Scrooge win the football game? The Ghost of Christmas passed. Why did the Christmas tree go to the barber? It needed to be trimmed. What is the best possible holiday present? A broken drum … you just can’t beat it. Why are Christmas trees so bad at sewing? Because they drop their needles. What did one snowman say to the other? Is it me, or do you smell carrots? What kind of bike does Santa Claus ride? A Holly Davidson. What says Oh, Oh, Oh? Santa walking backwards. Dad got mom...
Immerse yourself in the sights and sounds of the season with Christmas Wizards: A Night of TSO and more. Taking the stage at the historic Freeport Masonic Temple on Friday, December 13, this spectacular tribute to the Trans-Siberian Orchestra combines iconic holiday music, a dazzling light display, and breathtaking special effects to create a one-of-a-kind holiday experience perfect for all ages. Doors open at 6 pm and the show starts at 7 pm and ticket prices range from $25-50 and can be purchased at greaterfreeport.com. Refreshments will be...
I’m ready to start my Christmas shopping … OK, who’s got some money I can use? All I want for Christmas is a free refill of my wallet when I’m done shopping. I spend a lot of money Christmas shopping … most of it on myself. I almost dropped BEFORE I shopped … yep, I had to park two miles away from the mall. With all of the pushing and shoving to get this year’s door busters, they should call it Black and Blue Friday. I always hang mistletoe in the same spot – the middle belt loop on the back of my jeans. I really hope you like the present I g...
All I want for Christmas is a free refill … of my wallet when I am done shopping. I got my Christmas shopping done early this year. When you don’t buy anybody anything, it goes pretty fast. Believe it or not, some people are already done with their holiday shopping … I hate those people. With all of the pushing and shoving to grab this year’s door busters, they ought to call it “Black & Blue Friday.” It’s been a rough week holiday shopping. But on a positive note, I didn’t need any bail money and didn’t need to hide any bodies yet. I’m r...
The Le-Win Music Boosters' inaugural Christmas Variety Showcase was such a smashing success in 2023, those musical Panthers are returning to the Panther Den stage on Dec. 15 to serve up a fresh helping of holiday cheer! The student-led showcase directly funds their music trip, which has been a source of precious memories for generations of Le-Win band and choir students. Last winter's event helped offset the cost of the students' 2024 Orlando trip by raising $4,500 with 100% of proceeds...
The Holidays are exhausting – pretending to like you people is hard work. Every family has one weird relative … If you don’t know who it is, then it’s probably you. The 3 stages of man are 1) He believes in Santa Claus, 2) He doesn’t believe in Santa Claus, and 3) He is Santa Claus. What really scares me about Halloween is knowing that all of the family holidays are coming up. Every year I make sure to bring up politics at Thanksgiving dinner … it’s the easiest way to save on Christmas gifts. May none of your true feelings slip out this Than...
Gather your friends for an afternoon of fun as the University of Illinois Extension hosts "Holiday Centerpieces". This program is being held on Thursday, December 19 from 1:30 to 3:30 p.m. at the Jo Daviess County Extension Office, 204 Vine Street, Elizabeth, IL 61028. There will be a $30 charge to attend, and attendees will leave with two projects to take home with them. Pre-registration is required by December 14. To register or for more information visit us online at go.illinois.edu/jsw or...
I set my DVR to record a two hour movie. But after it cut out. All of the political commercials, it was only about 20 minutes. I can still remember when cartoons were about humor, not product placement. UPS Tracking: “Your package is in Rockford, USA on a truck driven by Bob, and will be at your door at 2:37 pm.” FedEx: “Your package is somewhere. You’ll get it when we give it to you.” USPS: “What package?” Amazon: “We are inside your apartment.” I have discovered that if you turn off the sound, the commercials are actually interesting. I’m...
Ever wonder what happened in Neverland after the Darlings left? Lena-Winslow students will answer that question on the Panther Den stage on Fri., Nov. 8, at 7 p.m. and Sun., Nov. 10, at 2 p.m. when they present the fall play, Generation Pan. Reese Austen (Cienna Kerr) is the newest arrival to Neverland, and she discovers that the Lost Cubs are running low on both hope and fairy dust. Meanwhile, the dastardly Captain Patch (Josiah Randecker) is hording fairy dust and dark secrets about Peter Pan...
Great parenting lies somewhere between “Don’t do that,” and “Aww, what the hell.” If you’ve never said, “You need to back up a little so I can wipe myself,” you don’t have kids. Me: “Can you clear my plate please?” Toddler: “I have dreams you know.” They say that kids will model the behavior they see, but that’s false. They’ve seen me sleep, but trying to put them down is a nightmare. “Tax day is coming up! Are you excited, or are you going to jail?” “Mommy, I need to wear my goggles so I don’t have to see people.” Everybody knows how to rise...
My bank has a service where they text me my balance. I just don’t think they should add ‘LOL’ at the end. Hmm, I see you have over drafted your account 93 times in the past 12 months, but I’m sure this time it was OUR fault. There is a special place in hell for the people who press the call button more than once in the bank drive ups. I went to the bank to open a joint account. They asked, “With Whom?” and I said “Whoever has the most money.” Need a tool to measure productivity? It’s called a bank statement. The bank told us our children were...
Please plan to attend this event November 5th, 2024. The Bazaar opens at 8:30 a.m. and features a variety of homemade products: baked goods, noodles, candy, and crafts. Dinner will be served from 11:00 a.m. to 1:00 p.m. Dine-in meals will include beef and noodles, mashed potatoes and gravy, green beans, Jell-O salads, relishes, dinner rolls, dessert, coffee, or milk – all for $12. Drive-thru carry-outs will also be available. The carry-out meals will vary slightly and include applesauce instead of jello. Advance tickets can be purchased at t...
Laura Gallagher, author of Home Again — A Restoration Story, will speak at the Warren Township Public Library on Saturday, Nov. 9, at 11 a.m. Located at 210 Burnett Ave. in Warren, the event is free and open to the public. Gallagher's book chronicles her journey of restoring and renovating a family home built in 1885 in Apple River, Illinois. With nearly 300 pages of stories, photographs, and hand-drawn illustrations, Home Again brings comfort and joy to readers. Laura (Upmann) Gallagher graduated from Warren High School in 1985. She moved to M...
Doctors are a lot like God. People put off seeing them as long as possible until they think they’re going to die. Your x-ray showed a broken rib, but we fixed it with photoshop. It’s easy to tell the difference between good cholesterol and bad cholesterol. Bad cholesterol has an evil laugh. I’m sorry Mr. Stevens but the handle on your recliner does not count as an exercise machine. I think diabetes is affecting my eyesight. I have trouble seeing the consequences of poor food choices. You caught a virus from your computer and we had to erase...
A newspaper is like a woman, because every man should have his own, and not go rushing after his neighbor’s. Wife: I wish I was born as the newspaper, so you’d hold me with that much excitement every day. Husband: Please be aware, that I don’t read the same newspaper every day. So, what’s in the news today? “I have no idea. I’m just sitting here with the newspaper open to hide from my wife.” It’s weird the way that whenever you reuse old newspapers, the articles in them suddenly become fascinating. Freedom of the press is important. I lo...
Legend Says, when you can’t sleep at night its because you’re awake in someone else’s dream. So, If everyone could stop dreaming about me, that would be great. Time really flies when you take two naps a day. Damn right I’m good in bed. I can stay there all day. I have a date tonight, with my bed. We’re totally gonna sleep together. Blanket on – too hot. Blanket off = too cold. One leg out: Perfect. Maturity is realizing that no human being is more important than your sleep. It doesn’t matter if I sleep 2 hours, or 13 hours. I will still be...
The Shenandoah Riding Center (SRC) located in The Galena Territory will host Fear Forest on Oct. 12, 19 and 25 from 7 to 10 p.m. and a Monster Mash Bash on Oct. 25 from 7 to 11 p.m. Do darkness and creeping through an eerie forest sound like the perfect night out? Walk through a haunting trail of fright in Fear Forest. Start at the SRC barn where you can purchase food and drinks. Then, muster up the courage to face your fears! This 20- to 30-minute walk through the most haunted forest in Galena is sure to be a hair-raising experience. All...
The Badger State Archaeological Society will hold its 45th annual Native American Indian Artifact Show on Sunday, October 27th. The event will be held at the Rehmstedt gym in Monticello School, 334 South Main Street, Monticello, WI from 8:00 am until 3:00 pm. Cost of admission is $2.00 for anyone 14 years and older. There will be experts on hand to identify your artifacts. Ralph Hammerly, Paul Severson and James Beer started the show with only five tables in Monroe 45 years ago. Today, the show has grown to over 80 tables of artifacts on...
Anybody else think that we’re living in the golden shower age of yellow journalism? Who needs Saturday Night Live anymore when real life is more of a joke? CNN announced today that Trump lost the debate two days before it took place. The Surgeon General announced today that mother’s milk can cause cancer. The only problem now is finding a place to put the label. There were no survivors, but also no deaths because nobody was there. Kamala Harris is going to win according to our special poll of 27% republicans and 73% democrats. According to the...
I’ve invented a new plow … it’s ground breaking. Almond milk? That’s nuts. If a cowboy is happy, does that make him a Jolly Rancher? Cow jokes? Herd ‘em. You know what a farmer talks about when he is milking his cows? Udder nonsense. Remember, a cow with no legs is simply ground beef. Don’t tell secrets in the garden. The potatoes have eyes, the Corn has ears, and the Beanstalk. That farmer is not snoring, he’s dreaming he’s a tractor. I got news for you Hal, burying your money will not make your soil rich. Save a cow, eat a Vegan. It is a...
The Shenandoah Riding Center (SRC) in The Galena Territory will host Fear Forest on Oct. 12, 19 and 25 from 7 to 10 p.m. and is looking for volunteer “master scare artists.” Do you have a knack for scaring the wits out of people? Do you enjoy the startled look on people's faces? Does this sound like something right up your alley? Then we want you! Volunteer to be a “master scare artist” for one of three (or all three) nights. For each night volunteered, you'll receive a $25 Visa gift card and a voucher for one free SRC Discovery trail ride! C...
The “Best Event in Illinois” returns with even more great activities for craft beer enthusiasts in Downtown Freeport September 28. Pretzel City Brewfest will feature over 150 craft beers from local and national breweries for tasting on Chicago Avenue in downtown Freeport. Tickets can be purchased online through noon Friday, September 22 at greaterfreeport.com/brewfest or at the gate on the day of the event. Pretzel City Brewfest is an entertaining event for adults 21 years and older to try amazing local and national beer brands, socialize, and...
You remind me of Haley’s Comet. I don’t want to see you again for another 74 years. I think it’s time we cancel our gym membership. We’re not working anymore. We need to take our relationship to the previous level. If I could rearrange the alphabet, I would keep ‘u’ and ‘I’ pretty much where they are, far apart from each other. Maybe even make them a little further away. Our relationship is like your financial status: broke! I’m breaking up with you for religious reasons. You think you’re God, and I don’t. Honey, I’m not gay. But after dati...
All the good pick up lines are taken, so … Hi, pleased to meet you. Excuse me, I don’t mean to intrude, but you owe me a drink. Because when I saw you, I dropped mine. I’m going to complain to Spotify for you not being named this week’s hottest single. Do you have a band aid? I just scraped my knees falling for you. Do you like sales? Because if you’re looking for a good one, clothing is 100% off at my place. I thought Happiness started with an ‘H’, but mine starts with ‘U’. Did we go to school together? I swear we had chemistry. Your l...
Marriage is finding the person who puts up with your junk, admires your quirky little ways and still says I love you at the end of the day. Marriage is full of surprises but it’s mostly just asking each other, “Do you have to do that right now?” Remember, I told my daughter, marriage is just a fancy word for adopting an overgrown male child who cannot be handled by his parents anymore. The secret to a happy marriage is to be sure not to hate each other’s guts at the exact same time. I married Miss Right, I just didn’t know her first name was...
