We don't write papers, we build scrapbooks
We don't write papers, we build scrapbooks
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The Holidays are exhausting – pretending to like you people is hard work. Every family has one weird relative … If you don’t know who it is, then it’s probably you. The 3 stages of man are 1) He believes in Santa Claus, 2) He doesn’t believe in Santa Claus, and 3) He is Santa Claus. What really scares me about Halloween is knowing that all of the family holidays are coming up. Every year I make sure to bring up politics at Thanksgiving dinner … it’s the easiest way to save on Christmas gifts. May none of your true feelings slip out this Than...
Gather your friends for an afternoon of fun as the University of Illinois Extension hosts "Holiday Centerpieces". This program is being held on Thursday, December 19 from 1:30 to 3:30 p.m. at the Jo Daviess County Extension Office, 204 Vine Street, Elizabeth, IL 61028. There will be a $30 charge to attend, and attendees will leave with two projects to take home with them. Pre-registration is required by December 14. To register or for more information visit us online at go.illinois.edu/jsw or...
I set my DVR to record a two hour movie. But after it cut out. All of the political commercials, it was only about 20 minutes. I can still remember when cartoons were about humor, not product placement. UPS Tracking: “Your package is in Rockford, USA on a truck driven by Bob, and will be at your door at 2:37 pm.” FedEx: “Your package is somewhere. You’ll get it when we give it to you.” USPS: “What package?” Amazon: “We are inside your apartment.” I have discovered that if you turn off the sound, the commercials are actually interesting. I’m...
Ever wonder what happened in Neverland after the Darlings left? Lena-Winslow students will answer that question on the Panther Den stage on Fri., Nov. 8, at 7 p.m. and Sun., Nov. 10, at 2 p.m. when they present the fall play, Generation Pan. Reese Austen (Cienna Kerr) is the newest arrival to Neverland, and she discovers that the Lost Cubs are running low on both hope and fairy dust. Meanwhile, the dastardly Captain Patch (Josiah Randecker) is hording fairy dust and dark secrets about Peter Pan...
Great parenting lies somewhere between “Don’t do that,” and “Aww, what the hell.” If you’ve never said, “You need to back up a little so I can wipe myself,” you don’t have kids. Me: “Can you clear my plate please?” Toddler: “I have dreams you know.” They say that kids will model the behavior they see, but that’s false. They’ve seen me sleep, but trying to put them down is a nightmare. “Tax day is coming up! Are you excited, or are you going to jail?” “Mommy, I need to wear my goggles so I don’t have to see people.” Everybody knows how to rise...
My bank has a service where they text me my balance. I just don’t think they should add ‘LOL’ at the end. Hmm, I see you have over drafted your account 93 times in the past 12 months, but I’m sure this time it was OUR fault. There is a special place in hell for the people who press the call button more than once in the bank drive ups. I went to the bank to open a joint account. They asked, “With Whom?” and I said “Whoever has the most money.” Need a tool to measure productivity? It’s called a bank statement. The bank told us our children were...
Please plan to attend this event November 5th, 2024. The Bazaar opens at 8:30 a.m. and features a variety of homemade products: baked goods, noodles, candy, and crafts. Dinner will be served from 11:00 a.m. to 1:00 p.m. Dine-in meals will include beef and noodles, mashed potatoes and gravy, green beans, Jell-O salads, relishes, dinner rolls, dessert, coffee, or milk – all for $12. Drive-thru carry-outs will also be available. The carry-out meals will vary slightly and include applesauce instead of jello. Advance tickets can be purchased at t...
Laura Gallagher, author of Home Again — A Restoration Story, will speak at the Warren Township Public Library on Saturday, Nov. 9, at 11 a.m. Located at 210 Burnett Ave. in Warren, the event is free and open to the public. Gallagher's book chronicles her journey of restoring and renovating a family home built in 1885 in Apple River, Illinois. With nearly 300 pages of stories, photographs, and hand-drawn illustrations, Home Again brings comfort and joy to readers. Laura (Upmann) Gallagher graduated from Warren High School in 1985. She moved to M...
Doctors are a lot like God. People put off seeing them as long as possible until they think they’re going to die. Your x-ray showed a broken rib, but we fixed it with photoshop. It’s easy to tell the difference between good cholesterol and bad cholesterol. Bad cholesterol has an evil laugh. I’m sorry Mr. Stevens but the handle on your recliner does not count as an exercise machine. I think diabetes is affecting my eyesight. I have trouble seeing the consequences of poor food choices. You caught a virus from your computer and we had to erase...
A newspaper is like a woman, because every man should have his own, and not go rushing after his neighbor’s. Wife: I wish I was born as the newspaper, so you’d hold me with that much excitement every day. Husband: Please be aware, that I don’t read the same newspaper every day. So, what’s in the news today? “I have no idea. I’m just sitting here with the newspaper open to hide from my wife.” It’s weird the way that whenever you reuse old newspapers, the articles in them suddenly become fascinating. Freedom of the press is important. I lo...
Legend Says, when you can’t sleep at night its because you’re awake in someone else’s dream. So, If everyone could stop dreaming about me, that would be great. Time really flies when you take two naps a day. Damn right I’m good in bed. I can stay there all day. I have a date tonight, with my bed. We’re totally gonna sleep together. Blanket on – too hot. Blanket off = too cold. One leg out: Perfect. Maturity is realizing that no human being is more important than your sleep. It doesn’t matter if I sleep 2 hours, or 13 hours. I will still be...
The Shenandoah Riding Center (SRC) located in The Galena Territory will host Fear Forest on Oct. 12, 19 and 25 from 7 to 10 p.m. and a Monster Mash Bash on Oct. 25 from 7 to 11 p.m. Do darkness and creeping through an eerie forest sound like the perfect night out? Walk through a haunting trail of fright in Fear Forest. Start at the SRC barn where you can purchase food and drinks. Then, muster up the courage to face your fears! This 20- to 30-minute walk through the most haunted forest in Galena is sure to be a hair-raising experience. All...
The Badger State Archaeological Society will hold its 45th annual Native American Indian Artifact Show on Sunday, October 27th. The event will be held at the Rehmstedt gym in Monticello School, 334 South Main Street, Monticello, WI from 8:00 am until 3:00 pm. Cost of admission is $2.00 for anyone 14 years and older. There will be experts on hand to identify your artifacts. Ralph Hammerly, Paul Severson and James Beer started the show with only five tables in Monroe 45 years ago. Today, the show has grown to over 80 tables of artifacts on...
Anybody else think that we’re living in the golden shower age of yellow journalism? Who needs Saturday Night Live anymore when real life is more of a joke? CNN announced today that Trump lost the debate two days before it took place. The Surgeon General announced today that mother’s milk can cause cancer. The only problem now is finding a place to put the label. There were no survivors, but also no deaths because nobody was there. Kamala Harris is going to win according to our special poll of 27% republicans and 73% democrats. According to the...
I’ve invented a new plow … it’s ground breaking. Almond milk? That’s nuts. If a cowboy is happy, does that make him a Jolly Rancher? Cow jokes? Herd ‘em. You know what a farmer talks about when he is milking his cows? Udder nonsense. Remember, a cow with no legs is simply ground beef. Don’t tell secrets in the garden. The potatoes have eyes, the Corn has ears, and the Beanstalk. That farmer is not snoring, he’s dreaming he’s a tractor. I got news for you Hal, burying your money will not make your soil rich. Save a cow, eat a Vegan. It is a...
The Shenandoah Riding Center (SRC) in The Galena Territory will host Fear Forest on Oct. 12, 19 and 25 from 7 to 10 p.m. and is looking for volunteer “master scare artists.” Do you have a knack for scaring the wits out of people? Do you enjoy the startled look on people's faces? Does this sound like something right up your alley? Then we want you! Volunteer to be a “master scare artist” for one of three (or all three) nights. For each night volunteered, you'll receive a $25 Visa gift card and a voucher for one free SRC Discovery trail ride! C...
The “Best Event in Illinois” returns with even more great activities for craft beer enthusiasts in Downtown Freeport September 28. Pretzel City Brewfest will feature over 150 craft beers from local and national breweries for tasting on Chicago Avenue in downtown Freeport. Tickets can be purchased online through noon Friday, September 22 at greaterfreeport.com/brewfest or at the gate on the day of the event. Pretzel City Brewfest is an entertaining event for adults 21 years and older to try amazing local and national beer brands, socialize, and...
You remind me of Haley’s Comet. I don’t want to see you again for another 74 years. I think it’s time we cancel our gym membership. We’re not working anymore. We need to take our relationship to the previous level. If I could rearrange the alphabet, I would keep ‘u’ and ‘I’ pretty much where they are, far apart from each other. Maybe even make them a little further away. Our relationship is like your financial status: broke! I’m breaking up with you for religious reasons. You think you’re God, and I don’t. Honey, I’m not gay. But after dati...
All the good pick up lines are taken, so … Hi, pleased to meet you. Excuse me, I don’t mean to intrude, but you owe me a drink. Because when I saw you, I dropped mine. I’m going to complain to Spotify for you not being named this week’s hottest single. Do you have a band aid? I just scraped my knees falling for you. Do you like sales? Because if you’re looking for a good one, clothing is 100% off at my place. I thought Happiness started with an ‘H’, but mine starts with ‘U’. Did we go to school together? I swear we had chemistry. Your l...
Marriage is finding the person who puts up with your junk, admires your quirky little ways and still says I love you at the end of the day. Marriage is full of surprises but it’s mostly just asking each other, “Do you have to do that right now?” Remember, I told my daughter, marriage is just a fancy word for adopting an overgrown male child who cannot be handled by his parents anymore. The secret to a happy marriage is to be sure not to hate each other’s guts at the exact same time. I married Miss Right, I just didn’t know her first name was...
Exercising would be much more rewarding if calories screamed while you burned them. Even duct tape can’t fix stupid, but it can muffle the sound. I didn’t fall, the floor just needed a hug. A police officer came to my house and asked me where I was between five and six. He seemed irritated when I answered ‘kindergarten’. They say money talks, but mine just waves good bye. When they say dog food is new and improved, who tastes it? Children: You spend the first three years of their life teaching them to walk and talk, then spend the next 16 year...
As Timber Lake Playhouse bids farewell to its summer season, the excitement doesn’t end there. The playhouse is set to offer a schedule of events this autumn and winter, catering to long-time patrons, young families, and new audiences alike. Following the success of their annual Gala on August 24th and the closing performance of Jekyll & Hyde on August 25th, Timber Lake Playhouse is delighted to bring back the beloved “church basement ladies” with Church Basement Ladies - A Second Helping. This sequel to the 2023 September hit will featu...
Timber Lake Playhouses’ 2024 summer season comes to a close with Jekyll & Hyde. The epic struggle between good and evil comes to life on the Timber Lake Playhouse stage in the musical phenomenon based on the classic story by Robert Louis Stevenson. Featuring a thrilling score of pop rock hits from multi-Grammy- and Tony-nominated Frank Wildhorn and double-Oscar- and Grammy-winning Leslie Bricusse, Jekyll & Hyde has mesmerized audiences the world over. A devoted man of science, Dr. Henry Jekyll (played by Phillip Bryan*) is driven to find a c...
Back to school … time to officially begin remembering what day of the week it is. Thank heavens it’s time to go back to school. I don’t think I could take another beautiful summer day of my parents ranting about politics. Sweetie, you have to come out. It’s the first day of school. “No! I refuse to go! They can get someone else to teach my classes.” I’m sorry Kayla, but we don’t all follow you on Twitter. So, please just tell the class what you did last summer. You might call it a school bus, but in early August we all call it an Easy Bake Ov...
Does running late count as exercise? It’s really hard to get to work at 8:00 when I leave my house at 8:01. I got up early this morning so I could be late for work without rushing. I hate being late … but I’m so good at it. I’m not sure if my teacher was running late and accidentally put on two different shoes this morning, or if she’s more hipster than I am. Sorry I’m late, but my favorite song was playing on the radio and I had to sit in the car until it was over. I’m sorry I’m late … I didn’t want to come. Ever have one of those days when...
